The Christmas chaos, albeit fun chaos, has passed. This week I am on vacation. I must tell you that I am feeling extremely guilty because I am not spending my vacation time rushing from one place to the next, I have not picked up the phone to call any of my friends, and for two days we stayed in our jammies.

Last week I started to feel under the weather. When I woke up the day after Christmas I had no voice. No voice transitioned to an annoying cough. Now I feel good but I am sleeping a lot. The last couple of nights I have fallen asleep on the couch. My son is happy as a clam constructing his new Lego sets, building a fort in his room, and watching movies.

I have invitations to three separate New Years Eve parties and quite honestly I would be just as content snuggled up on the couch asleep before the clock strikes midnight. I know I need to fight the urge to be a hermit so I will pick a party to attend and I am sure I will have a good time.

I suppose I should not feel guilty because clearly we needed this time to slow down. 

Now, enter the Sandman…

I can not remember the last time I woke up able to recall a dream from the night before. This week, however, my dreams have been vivid and crazy. At first, I thought it might be due to the cough medicine I was chugging before bed but last night there was no medicine and my dream played like a 3-D movie in my head.

The first dream in my series, involves a girl I knew in high school. We were not friends that hung out or even chatted on a regular basis. I knew her and she knew me. Through the power of the Facebook we now share the occasional thumbs up or brief comment. Ultimately she is not someone who has a reoccurring role in my life.

In my dream, she and her husband were sitting on a bench across from me. We were joking and laughing until the husband got so excited he threw himself backwards in a fit of laughter. It was at that point I realized he was wearing a skirt. To keep himself from falling over backward he lifted his legs revealing he was not wearing any underpants. This was not as shocking as the fact that HE did not have HE parts. HE was actually a SHE.

In the second dream, I was driving home alone from my brother’s house. As I turned on to the freeway, I was fumbling with my phone, when I looked up the fiery red sports car in front of me was skidding forward sideways. Suddenly the car in front of him flipped causing a semi-truck to lose control. The red car eventually started to flip & spin hitting the left front side of my car at the same time that a car hit me from the back.

For whatever reason, I was not wearing a seat belt, the car hit me from behind I flew from my seat suspended in air. I hit the front windshield throwing me back toward my seat. When all was settled I was standing on the outside of my truck looking at a string of wreckage from the accident.

I have not a clue what any of this means. If there are any dream interpreters out there please share!

Cheers!

There are so many “moments” that happen over the course of Christmas Eve & Christmas Day that any story I wrote would be the size of a book. So for sake of your sanity and my finger tips I have put together a “Best of List” of my holiday moments. Some are funny, some are shocking, some are sad, some are funnier!

In order of occurrence, enjoy!

• On top of having to work on Christmas Eve, albeit only until Noon, my father aka the boss man, scheduled a meeting for me. I was frustrated but got over it.
• Arrived home from work to find a Christmas Card from my ex-lover (aka The Lobster). The photo card read “Happy Holidays from Hubby, Ex-Lover & Kids”. Hubby’s name was scratched off. My response via a text? “ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME?” – Her response – “It wasn’t from him” – YEAH NO FREAKIN’ KIDDING – my response “Tacky” – conclusion: She sees nothing wrong with the fact that she sent me a Christmas Card from her family with her husband’s name scratched off. REALLY? STAB – TWIST – ….Yep, that was the nail in the coffin people…so over it & her! Besides, I have recently been informed that the Flamingo actually does mate for life and is capable of being gay! So I am moving away from bottom feeders to beautiful pink birdies. Who shall be my Flamingo….mmm…I wonder.
• The laughter that ensued while watching my 3-yr-old nephew run up to every gift shouting with excitement “WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?”, but never actually unwrapping anything.
• Christmas Eve dinner at my fathers which after leaving my brother and I once again questioned whether our father is actually proud of our hard work or if he thinks his red-headed step daughter is the perfect child for being able to sponge off her parents & boyfriends so she can travel & be worldly.
• Christmas morning the joy in kiddos eyes when he saw he got the one gift I told him I vetoed from his Santa wish list. I think this will have him believing for another year or two!
• The arrival of my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew Christmas morning having my nephew run up to the gifts saying “WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?”
• The pure excitement of my 35-year-old sister-in-law when she opened her first ever Easy Bake Oven.
• The irony of me being excited to receive a toothbrush for Christmas. A sign of the aging process.
• The folly of me failing to read the cooking instructions for the Truffled Beef Tenderloin which stated clearly that the oven should be VERY, VERY clean. Within minutes of putting the meat in the 500 degree oven smoke began to fill my house, the fire alarm blaring, and my entire family laughing hysterically.
• The constant comedy of banter between myself & my sister-in-law while we shared the kitchen preparing dinner.
• Watching my petite figured sister-in-law eat more fudge & chocolate cookies than anyone I have ever seen in my life.
• The giggles and goofiness of my mother who rarely drinks after having two glasses of white wine!
• The belly laughs and insanity of my brother after many drinks!
• Watching the entire family get MUCH joy playing with kiddos fully automatic Nerf gun.
• Me scolding my son for shooting me in the forehead with the fully automatic Nerf gun only to look up and see it was my stepfather holding the trigger down.
• The child-like behaviour of my 37 yr old brother & 21 yr old sister as they try to convince my 7 yr old son to hand over the Wii remotes.
• Watching my nephew stumble around so exhausted from playing hard all day, never once crying, then zonking 1 second from when his head hit is moms shoulder.
• The uncontrollable laughter during a board game especially when my sister mistakenly proclaimed that she wanted to see sister-in-laws boobs. ahahahah! Yep, that was a good moment!

I hope you had fantastic moments over the course of your holiday!!!!

Cheers!

I did not think I would be back to make a post before my final post of the year or I guess it would actually be my first post of the New Year, since it will make its debut on January 1, 2010.

(By the way, just we are all on the same page, 2010 is pronounced Twenty-Ten, not Two Thousand and Ten – just sayin’. I can tell already this is going to be a big pet peeve of mine.)

Anyway, yesterday I was a bystander to an exchange that perhaps the two conversationalist did not realize I was privy too. The details of said conversation are not worth discussing now, rather I would like to ask the question:

“What do you say when you think no one is listening?”

Do you claim to see no race or color but then raise an eyebrow when your daughter brings home a nice African-American boy to date?

Do you claim to be a supporter of love & equal rights but then glare turning your child’s head away when two men or two women walk by embraced hand in hand?

Do you claim to see the inner beauty of a person but then point and snicker at the women you carries extra weight around her waist?

Do you claim to be accepting but then make jokes because you think you are surrounded by others that you think are the same as you?

Change and acceptance begin with us, you – me, our kids. Your kids will learn from you what they shall accept and what they shall mock.

So you may think that no one is listening or watching but you do not inhabit the minds of every person you encounter.

If you choose not to believe in same-sex marriage, bi-racial marriage, or have a thing against fat people – live it loud, live it proud.

I may not agree with what you say when you think no one is listening, but I will respect you for having the courage to say what you have to say for the world to hear.

Cheers!

(This post in made in fun. If you are offended by off color humor and foul language please do not watch the video.)

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

The Spirit of Christmas Jesus vs. Santa
Uploaded by Greg-1912. – Sitcom, sketch, and standup comedy videos.

Since the beginning of the month I have been thinking, contemplating, imagining, and collecting my thoughts in preparation for writing my one year blogaversary post which would be posted on January 1, 2010.

Today I logged into my blog to capture some of the text I had written in my very first blog post January 1, 2009.

CAN YOU BELIEVE….I missed my own blogaversary?!!!

My first blog post was not on January 1, 2009 it was on December 12, 2008.

Looks like mama is going to be buying herself some diamonds to make up for this mistake!

Cheers!

Sitting solitaire in the corner of the café sipping your coffee the steam rolls across your rosy cheeks, your eyes intent upon the words of the book you are reading. The glimmer of your hair as the sun catches it through the window, lightly tucked behind your ears, small clumps obstructing your view. Your legs crossed bouncing rhythmically to the subtle tunes wafting through the air.

I dream for a moment how it might feel for your hand to reach behind me caressing my hair tickling my back as you gently glide your hand down my spine resting on the space between my back and bum. Pulling me closer to whisper in my ear, the warmth of your breathe raising the tiny hairs on my neck. A giggle or two escapes your lips before you press them against mine stealing the air that exists between us. Melting…I open my eyes only to catch a glimpse of the passion that you express when you think no one is watching.

 To be in your space, to feel your being, to exchange a moment…..this my dream.

(Cheers!)

I feel as though I have abandoned my blog and my writing. This is the busy time of year but still I have not been releasing like I need to be and I miss it.

Last week I had this Light Bulb Moment about the realization that I could very well be co-dependent. Although I don’t see myself as the classic co-dependent person because I am fiercely independent, I do think I could be co-dependent in the relationship with the Lobster.

When she and I started “seeing” each other I lost myself in how happy she made me. The positive side is she made me happy. Happy because I was finally able to be myself and share myself wholly with someone.

The negative side is I allowed someone else the power to make me happy or not. I stopped working out which had become an obsession of mine, I coordinated my schedule to accommodate the times she would be available to speak with me (when she was not with her husband), and I relied on my relationship with her to make me happy.

If we did not speak or see each other I would be disappointed to the point it would alter my mood.  I gave up living my life for me in exchange for my relationship with her. Last week when I reconnected with her she shared with me some very personal information that further made me realize I do not belong in her life. She is not ready to be as gay as I want to be. I want to stand at the top of the newbie hill yelling “here I am….let’s do this thing”, whereas she wants to find a way to fix her life. The life she had with her husband. Whether or not she will be able to do that is not my business. How she goes about that task is not my business. For me to place judgment upon her as she travels her journey is wrong and hurtful of me.

I have written some horrible words to describe her and our relationship. The truth is we had the right love it was just the wrong time. She has a beautiful soul, a wonderful heart, and a hot body (come on…it was getting too serious).  The path her life has taken is more complex than I or many of my readers can understand because we have not walked in her shoes.

There have been lies, hurt, and harsh words exchanged by both of us but mostly me. I am not the innocent victim in all of this, I am simply the one that has the passion for writing and has created an outlet for releasing my thoughts. I have been judgmental, demanding, insensitive, and at times down right mean all in attempt to lash out due to my broken heart.

She and I are both at fault for hurting each other and others during the course of our relationship. It has always been me that reaches out after periods of silence between us. She has always respected my feelings wishing me well along my journey.

It has taken me a long time to reach this point in my thought process. Speaking with her last week helped me get over the next hump to healing. Although the details that she shared with me were painful and disturbing as a part of my healing process for her I suppose it was necessary.

I will forever love her because she was a part of my self discovery. Regardless of what she thinks or what others think based on the picture I have painted, I do not hate her or blame her for my broken heart.

Do I think I am co-dependent? In this relationship, yes, yes I was. I see that now. I see what needs to be corrected. I see that I need to focus on what makes me happy. I, and only I, can make myself happy. If I depend on others for my happiness I will never truly be happy.

Relationships are like peanut butter and jelly. You can enjoy each one on their own and be delightfully happy or you can combine them reveling in how well they compliment each other. The best part is even when the two are pressed so firmly together they never lose their individual flavor.

I am looking for the jelly to compliment my peanut butter.

Cheers!

This is my one year anniversary participating in Chad Darnell’s 12 of 12. The 12 of 12 is a fun monthly project where participants from around the world take 12 photos documenting their day on the 12th of every month. Check out Chad’s blog to see entries from around the world!

Happy Holidays…let’s crack open the bottle of wine and get started, shall we….

12:39 am – The 12 of 12 has brought new and interesting people in to my life including my friend Janelle from Australia. We try to keep in touch the best we can but the time zone can be a killer. We thought it would be fun (such dorks) to work it out so that we could appear in each others 12 of 12’s even though we are typically a day apart in time zones. So, I sucked it up and stayed up late so we could chat.

8:31 am – Up late and an early morning….coffee takes me to my happy place.

10:45 am – I thought I was being a cool mom buying my son a 3 pack of Tony Hawk socks for $10 (ugg!), he hates them because the seam of the sock runs across his toes. I am not wasting $10 so I am wearing them…cool huh?!

12:39 pm – This is my mom and I after a morning workout. My first trip to the gym since before Thanksgiving….it’s going to hurt later but for now we feel strong! (Doesn’t my mom look great – 50 something looks good on her!)

1:30 pm – My son has been asking me for his own Christmas Tree this year because he says it is just too confusing trying to find his gifts on Christmas morning (yea, whatever…Santa always has special wrapping paper). I was at Walgreens and saw this Charlie Brown Tree, I scooped it up for $4.00 – he loves it! He did ask me what a “Charlie Brown Tree” meant – We will be renting A Charlie Brown Christmas for sure!

5:15 pm – After spending the afternoon cleaning the house prepping for our holiday decorating we went Christmas tree shopping. This is always when my holiday spirit kicks in full force!

6:15 pm – After picking the perfect tree we went to dinner. Can you guess where we went? It might only be in America – I am not sure. (Photo credits on this one go to my 7 year old)

7:45 pm – Home from dinner we started trimming the tree. Here my mom and son are grooving to their favorite Christmas tune.

7:50 pm – A blank canvass.

8:30 pm – Kiddo hangs our stockings – one for each of us and one for each of the cats.

9:30 pm – A merry Christmas it will be….it’s not the biggest tree, it’s not the fanciest tree, but it’s our tree, homemade ornaments and all! Note the tree topper is not the normal angel you see on most trees. My son got this crazy hat from grandma and wanted it to be the finishing touch on the tree…I let him ‘cuz that’s how I roll!

9:45 pm – It wouldn’t be a “Moment” without a Cheers! (Don’t freak out the kiddo is having strawberry kiwi juice).

It has been a pleasure sharing my moments with you this year. Happy holidays to you and yours,  if I don’t see you before, I will see you next year!

Cheers!

It never dawned on me until I watched this short (little bit annoying) mostly entertaining clip about lesbian love & the ex…but I think I could be co-dependent. Seriously the thought never once crossed my mind until this very moment – it happened just like a light bulb!

Lesbian Love The Ex from lacey stone on Vimeo. (<—-click to view the video)

I am sure you won’t be surprised to hear that I am still not over the Lobster regardless of what I may think or how hard I am trying. The truth of the matter is I think about her all the time. I miss her, I want to talk to her, I want to know what is going on with her, I wonder if she wonders about me…so I threw out a message in a bottle which washed up at her feet.

We reconnected briefly this week. Nothing has changed, her life is still the same, she is living life. All the while my life has stalled and at times almost rolling backwards. I have been dwelling about what I have lost, how I will never meet anyone like her, being emotionally unavailable and for what? I am the only person dwelling on this, she isn’t she continues to live, I continue to emotionally die slowly over time.

Why did nobody mention the fact that I could be, mostly likely be, co-dependent. HOLY SHIT!

I have a lot of research to do on this topic….if you need me I will be searching every nook and cranny of Cyndi’s blog. I know I breezed over a several co-dependent posts thinking “that does not have anything to do with me”.

WOW! REVAFUCKINLATION!

Time to hit the books & blogs….

Cheers!

To be creative is what I would like the dream to be.

To paint a picture so vivid and real it brings you to tears.

To strum a guitar or caress the piano filling the air with beautiful music that bonds us together.

To sing the song the reaches the depth of your soul releasing emotions you had no idea how.

To write the words so beautifully crafted together you never want them to end.

To capture the perfect combination of light and image you become intoxicated with the photograph.

The essence of an artist can change our lives. The beauty in their creation so powerful and moving our thoughts get lost within ourselves.

I am an awe of those that can create.

I want to touch people on a level that goes beyond the materialistic.

My dream would be to dig below the surface of our everyday needs touching those around me reaching the inner most part of their hearts and minds.  

That is what the dream would be…